I’m so tired of the weight!
I have allowed my weight to determine how I feel about myself for too long! From the time I wore sizes 4 to 6 through the times I wore…way larger, I’ve not been satisfied with my appearance. Why oh why do we (not speaking for everyone, but I know many of us do this) let our weight have such a hold over us and how we see ourselves? I’m so tired of it and am determined to STOP. My weight does not define me. At least, I won’t let it anymore!
What does define me? How do I create myself in Christ to be the best person I can be, in all areas? To figure that out, I have to get past my definite food issues.
I just want to be healthy. It’s not healthy to gorge and eat 3-4,000 calories a day or more of junk. Moderation is key. I know that. Isn’t that what is preached to us day in and day out? But for whatever reason, something is WRONG WITH ME, and I can’t eat just one tiny little peanut butter cup…or just 3…or just… you get the picture. Once I start, I can’t stop. Whatever emotion I’m feeding in there, those peanut butter cups trigger some kind of reaction, and off I go. It’s not just peanut butter cups either – M &M’s, Laffy Taffy, pizza, chips and salsa. And so I have to go cold turkey. If I don’t have one, then I won’t have the next, or the next. That’s a tough way to live, though – denying the little things that bring such pleasure. I know people do it. Hats off to them. They are better people than I am in such matters.
On the same note, it’s not healthy to crash diet either. I’ve done them all – the rotation diet where you eat 600 calories, then 900, then 1200, the cabbage soup diet (I almost typed cabbage patch soup diet…you know, that must be the one where you eat doll-size portions), the hcg diet. I’ve even taken Fen/Phen before they took it off the market when it was found that those medications could cause lethal damage. Oh boy. The price to be skinny, huh?
I was on Weight Watchers, too. I lost 35 pounds on Weight Watchers. Not too shabby. Because Weight Watchers is considered the reputable, healthy weight-loss program, it was the one most people supported me on. With all the others they told me, ‘You’ll just gain the weight back.” First of all, thanks friends for that vote of confidence. Second of all, guess what?!?! I gained the weight back after Weight Watchers, too. In my experience, it has not been what I’ve done to lose the weight; it’s what I do after I’ve lost the weight. What’s my follow-up? How do I live each day to be healthy and strong? Why do I even get to the point where I need to lose? Why aren’t I happy where I am? I think we all have a certain weight where we just plain feel good. Many times, our brains urge us to lose more, to be skinnier, to look model-thin. That’s not realistic for most of us. It’s not for me, anyway. Oh, I can get there. But I can’t maintain it without eating like a bird. And I don’t want to eat like a bird unless it’s a realllly big bird, so that just doesn’t work for me.
There’s no reason, though, why I shouldn’t be able to maintain my ‘average’ size. Instead, what I do is diet, diet, diet until I’m way thin and then gorge, gorge, gorge until I’m not only not thin but I’m not even at the weight I do feel comfortable at – the weight I call my average size.
There are all kinds of books about substitutions in food. Instead of this, try that other thing. That’s all well and good until I eat 12 dozen of the ‘other’ thing. Then, I’m right back where I started. And I figure, well, as long as I’ve had 12 dozen of these, I might as well have some of those, too.
And so what do we do? I can’t even begin to tell you what foods or what plan works best for you. This isn’t even a diet blog at all. As far as diets, I’ll just straight out tell you that I have no idea. I can lose the weight, but I can’t keep it off, no matter what diet I’ve followed.
Because of that, I’ve decided I need to take a new approach.
First, I decided to look at myself in the mirror – no clothes (scary, I know). What’s good about me? I have a great chest. Yep, I said it. It’s a little too big in my opinion when I put on 10-15 extra pounds beyond my average, but at my average, cool (not counting the sag from age and having three kids, of course). My waist is kind of there, so that’s good. My legs are muscular even though my thighs have definitely expanded through the years. My stomach, well, ugh. I’m not sure there’s much hope for my stomach. Let’s just say I won’t be wearing a bikini any time soon. Overall, though, not bad. I’m maybe a little bigger than I’d like (says who? Only me) but…not bad.
Okay second, as I stand and evaluate me, I ask myself, “Julie, what can you do today to be the best you can be?” I plan all kinds of things, but unfortunately I only make it to about noon each day of my plan. I blow my ‘diet’ over and over until I finally give in and crash diet so that I can be thin again just so I can portray this image of someone who has it all together.
Hurry up and get the weight off so no one knows I struggle with overeating and carrying too much weight…yeah, right. That’s not having it all together. That’s a cheat!
I’m scared to trust God and think we can do this together (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me), but if I remember to trust the one I say I believe in, then a get-thin-quick diet isn’t in that picture. Instead, it’s a daily focus on being healthy in all areas – spiritual, emotional, and physical.
I’ve decided to trust God that I am whole and complete as I am. I will no longer criticize His creation, me! That means I’ll be heading back to work with blobs of belly fat hanging over my pants. Ick. I’m not going to think about numbers, though. I’m not even going to think about belly fat.
I’m just going to decide what I can do today, right now, to live a healthy life.
If you liked this post, I think you’d also like another post I wrote on self-worth, Yes, I’m Worthy. So Are You!